Batsman, bowler, wicketkeeper. They’re just meaningless words designed to box players in and make it easier to the uneducated to understand.
With the revolving selection door gifting cricket fans with numerous fresh faces this summer, it’s probably time to catch up on the important roles each Australian cricketer plays.
Nerd and Julio dives deep into the soul of a player, dragging motivation, dedication and social media savvy to the surface.
Despite zero knowledge of the actual personalities of the players listed, The Greenfield Post has shed a light on the Julio’s and Nerd’s of the test team and one day squad.
While his hair never moves, Smith is too twitchy to be a julio. No julio would ever pull off the extraordinary catches the skipper did this summer without a good celebration to go with it. Plus, anyone who gets their missus to throw balls down to him for batting practice is 100% certified nerd material.
He’s too softly spoken and respectful to be a true julio, but the tall, domineering stance Renshaw has at the crease shows he has julio potential if he can up his sledging game and capture a fame-hungry spouse.
That bizarre, army style hair-cut could only ever belong to a nerd.
Starc’s playing style – fast, angry spearhead – contrasts with his off-field demeanour of a quiet, thoughtful young man. His lack of disrespect after he smacks spinners over cow corner reveals a nerd.
The Bendemeer Bullet really is just a new Glenn McGrath and despite some questionable tips at times, McGrath was always a nerd.
No team song custodian – David Boon, Justin Langer, Ricky Ponting, Mike Hussey – has ever been a julio and Garry is basically the lord of the nerds.
Head’s Instagram is elite...
...and he puts way too much time into it to be a julio.
Forget about the Reverend and the sudden no drinking, no sledging stance that has crept in this season, Warner has a branded celebration. That is legendary julio territory.
The clearest julio in the team, Khawaja has the most modern dress sense, wears damn fine watches even when fielding and has a Mark Waugh-like swagger at the crease. The man is a certified pilot and he walks to the crease like a pilot strolling through an airport.
A rare wicketkeeping julio, Wade believes strongly in tattoos, sledging and senseless thrashing outside the off stump, which are all deep seeded julio traits.
O’Keefe always looks angry, and tanned, and smooth and seems like the guy who was the most popular kid at school and didn’t even have to look at the nerds for them to know they were inferior; he just walked through the school yard with his chin held high. But I’m not bitter.
Has a nerd ever played a switch hit?
Lynn’s carefully curated social media presence is so not carefully curated he could only be a julio. No nerd would ever wear one of those insta-cowboy hats.
Faulkner has made best friends with a julio hall-of-famer in Kevin Pietersen and the only thing more consistent than his back of the hand slower ball is the ability of his hair to stay perfectly gelled.
He looks glorious in a three-piece suit (unlike julio legend Warnie) and keeps his Instagram captions short, just a little more filtering and hashtagging and Cummins can really up his julio game.
Looking at the likes of Maxwell, Andrew Flintoff, Ian Botham and Shane Watson it’s clear that all-rounders are generally julios. How else would they think they are better than everyone else at everything?
Peter Handscomb – probable julio.
Tough one to peg, Handscomb’s immovable hairdo and poise at the crease are markers of a julio. Casual celebrations belong to those who believe they are born to make runs and that is a sure sign of a julio. And nerds don’t pick up hitch hikers.
Hilton Cartwright - ???
I can’t remember what Hilton Cartwright looks like, I have sweet NFI about his julio-nerd balance.
Adam Zampa – wannabe julio, actual nerd.
The kid wears a headband despite not having particularly long hair in a vain attempt to look cool but he enacted a run out off his face in the last Big Bash and that’s too embarrassing for a potential julio to fight through.
Billy Stanlake – maybe nerd.
Basketballers aside, are any genuinely tall people cool? Ruckmen aren’t, volleyballers are low in the social standings and tall tennis players all end up looking gangly and slow. Without any actual evidence, Stanlake has to be a nerd for now.
Darren Lehmann – nerd turned julio.
Lehmann and his left arm slows always seemed like a nerd in his playing career but since becoming a coach his julio tendencies have taken over. Only a julio could so devastatingly dismiss the career of an international fast bowler.
Josh finds it easier to complain about things than to enjoy them despite his idyllic upbringing and lifestyle.